Unlucky Charms

Have you seen me?
Name: Scottish Play Doe
Age: 11

Last seen with twins Erno and Emily, their gargantuan housekeeper, Biggs, and an accountant named Merle Lynn who claims to be a scientist from the future or something, "Scott" is suffering from a sick delusion that your beloved Goodco Cereal Company is secretly run by a fairy named Nimue with a sinister plot to take over the world. That Goodco is selling cereals with NEW! Intellijuice in order to turn kids into a kind of zombie army, if you can believe this. That Goodco has kidnapped the Queen of England and replaced her with two goblins in a queen suit. Have you ever heard anything so crazy—seriously, we're asking.

Last sighted en route to England, Scott is reportedly searching for a rift in the space-time continuum so that he might save the queen and convince the fairy court to stop their so-called invasion. Kids today, right? Too many wizard books, not enough fresh air, if you want our opinion.

We at Goodco are not angry. We want only to see Scott get the help he needs before he hurts himself. Or gets hurt.

Sightings of Scott with a two-foot-tall leprechaun named Mick are of course ridiculous and should be reported immediately to Goodco.