My Wife and My Dead Wife

You are Hamilton Ashe. Everyone calls you Ham. Everyone, except for your boss, who calls you Salami. And except for your girlfriend, who can't pronounce your name. The same girlfriend who tells everyone she's your wife. Even though you never asked her to marry you. Even though you never got a marriage license. Even though you never had a wedding ceremony. The same girlfriend who has decided to become a country-western singer. The same girlfriend who writes songs about a runaway dog. A runaway dog that returns, only its ear is missing. Why does she keep singing that song? Why does she keep singing that ridiculous song? Why? WHY? Maybe today will be a little bit less of a struggle. Maybe.