Timely Defense

My name is A.J. and I'm a lawyer one despicable even among my kind. They don't call me The Shark for nothing. I got into big trouble once and it started like this... After my plane crashed in the Alps, I woke in the middle of a medieval fair. No problem so far. I can get to a phone and call for help, right? Wrong. I should've suspected something was odd when I asked for a phone and everyone looked at me funny. Within days, I went from twenty-first century North America to medieval Switzerland, from snazzy designer suit to scratchy wool and from blissful bachelordom to pretend marriage just so the local tyrant leaves my delicious hostess alone. That's when things started to go seriously wrong. My "wife" is a lovely lady and if I want to defend her honor which I do I must fight Lord Asshole in a duel. But all I'm good at is arguing, sex and golf. Since I can't very well use the first two, all I have is one option. Ever seen a duel between a sword and a nine iron? It's one hell of a show!