Into tthe Water

He turns the key, the engine starts, and he flips on the headlights. “Do you want me to take you somewhere?” I grab the door handle and nod toward the house. “This is where I’m at in the tapes,” I say. “But thanks.” His eyes stare straight ahead. “Honestly. Thank you,” I say. And when I say it, I mean it for more than just the ride. For everything. For how he reacted when I broke down and cried. For trying to make me laugh on the most horrible night of my life. It feels good knowing someone understands what I’m listening to, what I’m going through. Somehow, it makes it not as scary to keep listening. I get out of the car and shut the door. His car pulls away. I press Play. Back to the party, everyone. But don’t get too comfy, we’ll be leaving in just a minute. Half a block away, Tony’s Mustang stops at an intersection, takes a left, and drives away. If time was a string connecting all of your stories, that party would be the point where everything knots up. And that knot keeps growing and growing, getting more and more tangled, dragging the rest of your stories into it. When Justin and I finally broke that awful, painful stare, I wandered down the hall and back into the party. Staggered in, really. But not from the alcohol. From everything else. I sit on the curb, a few feet from where I vomited out of Tony’s car. If whoever lives here, because I have no idea whose party it was, wants to come out and ask me to leave, I welcome it. Please do. I grabbed for the piano in the living room. Then the piano bench. And I sat. I wanted to leave, but where would I go? I couldn’t go home. Not yet. And wherever I went, how would I get there? I was too weak to walk. At least, I thought I was too weak. But in truth, I was too weak to try. The only thing I knew for certain was that I wanted to get out of there and not think about anything or anyone anymore. Then a hand touched my shoulder. A gentle squeeze. It was Jenny Kurtz. The cheerleader from the Student Body office. Jenny, this one’s for you. I drop my head down to my knees. Jenny asked if I needed a ride home, and I almost laughed. Was it so obvious? Did I look that terrible? So I looped my arm in hers and she helped me up. Which felt good, letting someone help me. We walked out the front door, through a crowd either passed out on the porch or smoking in the yard. Somewhere, at that moment, I was walking from block to block trying to figure out why I’d left that party. Trying to figure out, trying to understand, what had just happened between me and Hannah? The sidewalk was damp. My feet, numb and heavy, shuffled across the pavement. I listened to the sound of every pebble and leaf that I stepped on. I wanted to hear them all. To block out the music and the voices behind me. While blocks away, I could still hear that music. Distant. Muffled. Like I couldn’t get far enough away. And I can still remember every song that played. Jenny, you didn’t say a thing. You didn’t ask me any questions. And I was so grateful. Maybe you’ve had things happen, or seen things happen at parties that you just couldn’t discuss. Not right away, at least. Which is sort of fitting, because I haven’t discussed any of this until now.