Cold Turkey

Times were good for the man in the Oval Office until three student radicals from Finlandia University and one resident nerd from Michigan Tech seek his support in making Michigan’s Upper Peninsula the fifty-first state. They give the President an ultimatum to support their cause or the Yoopers (as the U.P. residents refer to themselves) will throw the coming election. When the President refuses, they hijack a truckload of his turkeys from the Western White House. The truck driver is stripped naked, drenched in molasses, and covered with feathers. The newspapers have a field day at the President’s expense, while the truck driver makes the talk-show rounds.



To make matters worse, the White House plumbing mysteriously refuses to function, Washington D.C. becomes infested with Amorous Spotted Slugs, and twelve hundred of the abducted turkeys find their way to the White House lawn where they trip numerous security sensors and simulate a massive White House assault. Still the President refuses to capitulate. (Pharaoh needed ten plagues.)



The final straw occurs when the President receives irrefutable evidence from the CIA that Finland has Weapons of Mass Destruction and intends to turn the Upper Peninsula into a Finnish colony. He has no alternativeâ€"he must declare war on the U.P.!